Nonsense

Well, I rarely write anymore. Ever since I stopped regularly blogging, I stopped writing as much. I'm not sure why, or if it matters, but today I actually feel like putting my thoughts on paper (so to speak). I'll start by saying that I am happily surrounded by my animals. They are mostly asleep, given that the sun is down, and that's okay. I never thought my room would be so..busy, but everyone happily lives in here. Hell, even I basically live in my room. I'm very in love. It's odd to think about, given that my daily routine involves Nick in most cases, and I'm okay with that. Our two year anniversary is coming up, crazy right? It seems like just yesterday we were getting to know each other in health class. Although I must say, it also feels like we've been together for a lifetime, thinking back on all of the experiences we've had together and everything that's happened in the last two years. Our dreams of being responsible adults and manage to be happy and have fun are promising, especially with the end of senior year approaching. Hopefully a semester early on my part. The snow plows are making a bunch of noise, I swear they are having a blast with all the ice everywhere. I feel so restless, as I sit here in my bed which I've left for only a few hours today. Yet, at the same time I want to curl up and watch another movie. It is Christmas break, after all.

Meh, School

I really dislike school. On a deep, intense level. I don't like being there, I don't like the thousands of people. I dislike the 40+ hours of hard work a week put into something I don't deem "worth it." When I say, "fuck school," I mean it in the most sincerest of ways. I've tried so hard and am on my 9th year (homeschooled first-fourth grade, hell yeah) and now I'm losing all motivation. It's not senioritis, not at all. It's much deeper. It's this deep rooted sadness that makes itself visible while I'm at school. It's the crowds, the 'hall passes,' the whole, "do as you are told and follow these rules and say the pledge of allegiance every day, and be here when we say so and pay us money, to learn what we want you to learn, so you can be an upstanding citizen.." etc. The whole thing is pretty..upsetting. Yes, something that really bothers me is the pledge of allegiance. I love my country, I respect the hell out of it, but I love other countries just as much. And wherever else. I find it really fucking creepy to stand with your hand over your heart, saluting a flag, chanting all at the same time. And now, state law says that we have to do it every morning in first period. Granted most of the time my teachers forget, but when they don't I refuse. I'll stand, with my hands to my side, and I won't look at the flag. I feel like an alien in a place I really was never meant to be at. I really just want to be done. College? Straight up, not happening. I have a better plan, full of awesome and happiness. And did I mention it's actually responsible? Yeah, I'm pretty excited. These next years are coming up fast, and I'm ready. I can't wait to work and travel and not have children until I'm older. Yeah..had to throw that one in there. The end of the first term is nearing, and as I scramble to finish all my stupid homework I get more and more excited. Part of me is dragging, like school is this giant backpack full of textbooks and early mornings that are physically hard to get through. Seriously, by second period I'm fighting the urge to run away. To grab my shit, and run out of there forever. To leave that hard, uncomfortable seat, and be away from all of those people I don't know. I've been going to school with most of these people for a long time..it doesn't make a difference. I'm friends with my select few, and honestly, I hang out with them outside of school so school holds nothing for me. Putting it honestly, school makes me feel depressed. I haven't been one to have depression issues..usually I'm the one with my head high and that stubborn attitude. Hey, nothing can stop me, right? Well, I seem to be mistaken. School gets under my skin, eats away at me. There's a deep, heavy darkness inside me when I'm there. I could say, "Yo, school, get outta me!" but it's not that easy. I'm 7 months away from graduating. 7 months that I'm not sure I'm capable of making it through. So, I have to come up with another plan. Another thing that I believe is adding to this ridiculous sadness is the fact that I can't work while I'm in school. I'm happy when I work, really. I have a purpose, a paycheck. My hard work sees instant payoff, and that is surely a happy thing. The problem is that with all my time going into school, there really isn't time for work. Sure, I could get a part time job somewhere, and still be in school - I did that for two years. There's a really good reason I'm not doing it now. What I would really like to do, is stop going to school. This is actually possible. I could finish online, if I stuck to it. I could get my job at BPI back, and work from 8am to 1pm. 5 hours, 4 days a week. 20 hours a week. I could then work on school online for 3 hours or so, 4 days a week. I bet in those 3 hours a day, I'd get more done than in a full day of school. So much of that time is commuting, changing classes, lunch hour, and the teacher talking about stuff you already know. Cut the shit, do the work, get it done..seems like it could work. Granted, I would have to be vigorous in my time management, but honestly, if it means I don't have to show up to school I'd be 100% motivated. Happiness is a great motivator.